My journal entry for April 11th, 2010:
Last night I spent sleeping at Jehan’s house, or at least trying to. Julia (a friend of Jehan and mine) had decided to call up Jehan to hang out, and when it got late, she ended up spending the night. Jehan’s bed doesn’t have room for three, so I ended up not getting any sleep-- If sleeping on a chair was bad enough, Julia’s snoring sounded like someone was dying. I’ve heard her snoring before, and it’s pretty bad, although I didn’t remember it being this bad!
After failing to get any sleep, I spent the early morning chatting with Erin (most of the morning trying to contact her in the first place), and checking and responding to Facebook updates on my iPod Touch. It was pretty boring, and wish I had brought my netbook. Eventually Erin got online and we were able to connect, and we had a 30 or so minute conversation before she had to go for her early morning walk. 2.5 miles-- that’s impressive! If Erin participated with sports or weight training with me on top of that, we would become fit as a fiddle in no time!
Now that Erin had to go on her walk, I tried to get Julia and Jehan up. I could have just left then, as the light rail had started running, but I think it’s rude to spend the night at a friend’s house and then just leave without properly seeing each other off, and Jehan said RJ (Julia’s friend, but I don’t like him very much) needed Julia to pick him up at 11 anyway. It took over an hour to get them up (especially Julia!), but finally we were all up and about, and we finally parted ways; I gave Julia a hug and Jehan a handshake, and we promised to hang out again sometime-- ugghh finally I can go home now, I thought. I was tired, and I wanted to just crash, but I wanted even more to talk with Erin again-- if possible to Skype if her Internet isn’t acting up too much.
When I got back home, I talked with Erin on Google Talk for a while, mostly about how/what we were doing, accompanied by humor. But she soon had to go pick up her brother.
We (David and I) had some business to take care of too: go get food bank food, as we are already really short on food supplies, and I’m not in the mood for making spaghetti or some makeshift bean-rice concoction...I just want to grab something simple, and eat it. On the way there, I picked up a pod that had recently fallen from a locust tree on the way. A lot of people don’t even know of the existence of locusts, and how they have resilience on par with cacti when it comes to surviving in harsh conditions.
But perhaps even more amazing, is that people don’t realize that this tree that they pass by each day produces pods filled with a bean-like fruit that is used to produce the most popular alternative to chocolate (for allergic people and people who want to eat healthy), carab. Carab is extremely common as a substitute for chocolate and used in most health bars, and here it was right in front of us. I asked David to chew on one of the beans, and tell me what he thought. sure enough, it tasted a lot like chocolate! My mom introduced me to locust fruit quite young (like when I was 6), and I’ve retained that memory all this time, although it took a while to find out what it was called.
After we got back from the food bank, I found out that most of our food was not instant-edible (with the exception of some friends and-- would you believe it -- dates (dried figs!) not the standard thing you’d find at food banks, but it’s a refreshing change.
David made himself a peanut-butter and fig sandwich, and I made myself one as well. Pretty good, if I do say so myself (which I do!). I followed it up with same tasty tomatoes, which as it turns out, Erin doesn’t like. Oh well, that just means more for me ;p
At this point Erin had come online, and we talked for a while on Google talk.again, about life, our future, the status of the relationship, and how screwed up in the head Lindsey is. Lindsey’s tendency to lie about everything has confused and pushed away everyone knew knows, both friends and family alike, and she needs to learn to be more honest, both about herself and others. Hopefully she doesn’t still fantasize about her and I being together, because it’s not going to happen. Truthfully, and I should have made this clear from the beginning, there was never such a chance to begin with.
I tried to find out more details on what specifically Lindsey said to Erin, which sounded rather delusional from what we both can tell. In the process of trying to retrieve that information from her account, I’ve accidentally locked Erin out of her Facebook account (she kept giving me the wrong password!), but after some troubleshooting and going through the recovery process, everything is back to normal. Facebook needs to revise their anti-hacking methods, I think. Once we got back into her account successfully (a couple roadbumps but it worked out) I confirmed she had already deleted all of Lindsey’s messages (why?). oh well, I’ll just ask Lindsey later.
Erin and I have repaired our relationship back to its wholesome goodness, and I am the happiest man alive. I feared that my affair with Lindsey might jeopardize our future, but Erin is quickly transforming herself from the unrefined mineral she was, to the beautiful diamond I saw in her all along. I guess I’ll have to continue to improve myself and become more mature myself, so I won’t lose to her! :p . Erin can use Skype now, so we were able to talk for a couple hours, share past experiences, common interests, and express our love for each other. I also sent friend requests to Erin’s brother and mom-- apparently mom is even more introverted and untrusting than Erin, so gaining her trust and respect will be one of my big challenges in the future. Erin and I had a lot of fun happily sharing memories about the past and hopes for the future, making today a very fulfilling and happy day for me. I hope this will continue on forever! <3
My journal entry for April 13th, 2010:
Today I went to a job interview to work at the Children’s Discovery Museum as a cashier/food runner. The company that would Hire me is a non-profit organization called Hope Services, who’s primary objective is to provide jobs for mentally-handicapped people; as such, if I were to work there one of my primary duties would be to train and assist mentally retarded employees with preparing food and serving customers-- it’s a “babysitter meets food prep”-type job, in other words. I had some trouble getting up in the morning, and because when I finally got up I had to do my laundry (all my dress clothes were dirty, mostly due to personal negligence), I barely got there in time; however, everything worked out magically, and I was able to get there in time. Every time that I’ve found myself in a situation where it’s impossible to get there in time for a job interview, yet I’ve gotten there in-time anyway, I’ve been hired (it’s one of those “fate” things, I think)-- so hopefully, fate still holds the power it used to, and I’ll get that job; from the way the hiring manager was talking though, it sounded as if she believed I would get the job, so I’m feeling optimistic in either case.
I was able to complete the job interview and get back home just-in-time to go with David to Martha’s Kitchen, a local soup kitchen that provides free meals to low and no-income people. The meal at Martha’s kitchen was exceptionally good, and I ate all of the food on my plate within 15 minutes. While I was there, I met with my mom and her domestic partner/spiritual husband (it’s complicated, but simple!) Julian; we talked about my dad’s debt, and why she had decided to not allow my dad to make a loan on the house (it’s still registered under both of their names), how my dad’s debt was increasing (I wonder why!), making such a loan a liability to her. We also talked about more pleasant things, such as my brother’s birthday being yesterday, Easter/my own birthday coming up, and how my brother was out of the mental hospital and living in a lockdown group home-type facility-- I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the place though. Later on, we talked quite a bit about religion and our own beliefs, and how I felt the Bible should be interpreted according to historical context (i.e. from the perspective of who the letters of the Bible were originally written to), and how the Christian depiction of “hell” was in fact the byproduct of a melodramatized whisper-down-the-lane conception spawned from interpretations that utterly ignore the historical precedents to hell (i.e. the Valley of Gehenna, which was originally a rudimentary trash incineration center); of course, my mom being the traditionalist she is, does not agree, and will probably never listen to reason when it comes to the Bible :p
After coming back from Martha’s Kitchen, I tried and failed to get a hold of Erin, and opted to instead send several response emails to various topics, as well as address concerns regarding her family/etc. I did some research on the net, a bit of wasting time just browsing Facebook, Youtube, etc., and I updated a few web pages. I also watched the latest episode of Bleach, and did some installation and customization of my computer, and made preparations for presenting my desktop computer as a birthday gift to Greg. I don’t need it anyway-- I have the netbook, and my roommate David and I both spend way too much time on the computer, so it’s better to take turns ;-)
I got called by my gay friend Rudy, and proceeded to have a long conversation with him to catch up, and to talk about various common interests-- music, and bicuriosity. I told him that I was straight, and would probably take away his virginity (for his own good :p ) if I were not in a serious relationship with Erin-- even if I am straight, and I would only be doing a guy out of curiosity and to give him more sexual experience, I am certain that Erin would not approve ;-( We shared several music interests, particular operatic, symphonic metal, and techno/alternative music. He tried singing to me, but I insisted that his voice was out of condition, and that his crappy microphone did not do justice to his voice anyway. We also experimented with webcam enhancers for a bit (particularly the free and full-featured “ManyCam” application), and came up with some pretty interesting effects. I think I might do this more often :p
Now exhausted, and Rudy also admitting to needing to get to bed, we end our Skype call, and both head to bed. I feel that overall today has been productive, but it should have been far more. I need to work on better time-management, so I won’t have that problem as much ;-)
My journal entry for April 14th, 2010
I’ve felt disheartened that I haven’t heard from Erin in a while, and so haven’t been keeping up with my journal entries properly. I really need to stop being so weak-willed, and be more responsible with this relationship, but with everything that’s going on in my life and the pressure and stress of having to get a job and make something of my life, it’s easy to get lost in life, and even forget how many days have passed; in fact, I thought that I had only missed one day today, when in fact I had missed two whole journal entries. After I finish this journal entry, I will attempt to recall both entries, although I fear that I will only be able to convey one of them. But hopefully, as I get into the habit of writing a new entry each day, I will not so easily forget to write them, and can be true to my promise to Erin to be as up-to-date with her as possible via this journal system; after all, writing these journals is the closest thing we have right now to actually sharing our lives together-- it’s all we have, so we need to make the most of it :-) <3
Today I spent the day with my ex-girlfriend and friend Lindsey, and her brother explained to me how dispicably irresponsible I was before, but that he was willing to give me a second chance. I agree with him that I am quite irresponsible, as I tend to have a passive hatred of the very concept of responsibility, but I am also glad that he does not know the half of it-- if he did, he might have very well killed me ;-) But as I was being given the second chance, I took the opportunity to level with him that as of now, I was “just friends” with Lindsey, nothing more. He told me that although he thought it would have been better if we had done things like that from the beginning, that this was all in the past, and it’s good that at least I realize this now. He gave me an extremely lengthy parent-like lecture on how irresponsible I was with everything, and how he really hated me, and that the only reason why he was still putting up with me is that he was a believer in second chances, and how today was the opportunity for me and him to better get to know each other, and for me to patch things up and make a favorable second impression. After that, we were off to run some errands with him, with Lindsey and I mostly tagging along.
After talking a lot in the car, sharing musical interests, and walking and talking as he ran his errands, he ran an errand to visit his girlfriend, leaving me alone to eat with Lindsay at Valley Fair (the local mall). There Lindsey and I talked, mostly about how even though she loved me-- and especially because she loved me, that it was important that she move on and find someone else-- that there were plenty of guys better for her, and she just didn’t have the self-confidence and personal pride to see it. I helped her to understand that she only loved me because I was “nice and caring”, and that there are plenty of other nice and caring guys out there, and that if she were to be more socially active and successful, and to put some pride into her appearance and lose some weight, that those nice guys would be more likely to notice her. I gave her some suggestions for Meetup.com, a great website that helps people to meetup with other nice, caring people with similar interests, who would help her to make friends (and be friends with her themselves), and to improve herself and help her be more socially and sexually attractive. She could join a Weight Loss group, a swimming group, a Makeup group, a Dyslexic group (she has dyslexia), and a Paper Mache’ group (she’s into paper Mache’ crafts). This would enable her to more actively enjoy life, get out of the house more, lose weight and become more attractive, and to make a lot more friends. Right now, there is nothing in the world (not even me!) that Lindsey needs more, than Meetup.com. it will unlock whole new worlds of opportunities for her.
After getting back from Valley Fair, Lindsey and I were left alone in the house while her brother (Randy) ran more errands; while he was gone, we played a game of monopoly while watching Chronicle’s of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. To be honest, I didn’t find the movie particularly entertaining (with each new Narnia movie getting more and more crap IMO), but I was very entertained by playing monopoly, especially since I was winning by a landslide. Yeah, I’m way too good at monopoly!
We ate pizza with drinks made from a combination of Sierra Mist and Cherry Koolaid, which I thought tasted pretty good myself; afterwards, we talked more about why that it would never work out between us, and how I was confident that once she found herself a new boyfriend, she would soon get over me; I told her that no one ever really gets over true loves, but the pain and regret will fade, and that new love can be found with new relationships if you are open to it. I explained that although I am truly attracted to her both sexually and as a friend, that I did not love her romantically, and that there was never any future for us, because I had found a true love with someone else-- someone that I knew that I could live for or die or, and someone that I was willing to without any hesitation spend the rest of my life with-- you Erin!
I explained how although I did not personally believe in possessiveness or “cheating”, that because I love Erin so much and it matters to her, that I could never do anything to her that I would not naturally do to a cat or dog-- this is the reasonable limit to which our affections can be considered platonic and not sexual. Erin, are you agreeable with this limit? Would you be jealous or feel betrayed if I were to pet Lindsey’s hair, stroke her chin, hug her, or let her to sit down or sleep on my lap? I only permit these things because it makes her feel secure, and I am certain that there is nothing sexual about these things. If there is anything on this list that you are not happy with, or anything you think I might do to a pet that you would not want me to do to Lindsey, please let me know. Because I’m not familiar with the emotion of possessiveness, I cannot reliably discern these things for myself.
Moving on: After this conversation with Lindsey, and putting her in some wrestling locks (she enjoys wrestling, and once again I assure you that there was nothing sexual about us wrestling :p ) we realized that it was getting late, and we said our goodbyes and I headed back home; upon getting home, I checked some emails, and then proceeded to write this entry.
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